


love and be loved

by Adelheid18



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of Ash's past, and then getting together ;))), and yut lung being a therapist who doesnt get paid, btw im tired and i still dont know how to write :(((, lil bit of angst, literally a fic of eiji and ash getting some sense knocked into them, max being a dad honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23152912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adelheid18/pseuds/Adelheid18
Summary: "The perfect time is now because you're finally taking that first step. You're going off to Japan with Eiji, and you're going to begin a new life. But I know you haven't let yourself break free enough to experience the full potential of joy.""'Full potential of joy?'" Ash scoffed. "And what the fuck is that?"Max looked him dead in the eyes. Blue swimming with determination and sincerity."Letting yourself love Eiji, as much as he loves you."---"Oh my, Eiji! So scary!" Yut-Lung mocked. "Don't you worry, my dear, I have no interest in you two anymore. Your love story is positively boorish.""Our - what?" Eiji gawked, a blush warming his cheeks.Yut-Lung blinked, generally confused. Seeming to wait for Eiji to speak. When he didn't, the boy let out a groan."You're kidding me!"---It's over. Ash lives and is ready to start anew with Eiji in Japan. However, both boys haven't tied up all the loose ends in regards to how they feel and it takes two different conversations with a dad and an unlikely acquaintanceor,Ash and Eiji get told the obvious
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Lee Yut-Lung & Okumura Eiji, Max Lobo & Ash Lynx
Comments: 31
Kudos: 292





	1. love

**Author's Note:**

> um. hi. so this has been sitting in my google docs for months and i've only now looked at it and decided to post it, its horribly edited and kind of a mess, but i hope you enjoy it???
> 
> sorry if the writing seems awkward asf, it was a challenge to switch between two convos at once and make it flow lmao and i honestly have no idea what im doing 
> 
> there will be a second chapter of this lol just havent wrote it, and im a uni student so lets see how it goes 
> 
> have fun reading the cringe!!!

Ash was a little wary when Max called him saying he wanted to have a little "talk". When probed on why, Max only reply was an amused, "What, I can't have a little chat with my son? He's going off to another country, 'course dad's gonna worry!" 

  


Ash hung up on him. 

  


Regardless, Ash found himself in Central Park, waiting for the journalist to arrive. 

He waited, sitting on a park bench, tapping his foot impatiently, before he heard footsteps behind him. 

  


Whipping around, he placed a hand on the handle of his gun, before relaxing on seeing Max's hands raised up, his eyes wide with worry. 

  


"Calm down, kiddo, it's just me." 

  


Ash huffed and slumped back down. 

  


"I- sorry…" 

  


"It's alright, can't blame you." Max took a seat next to the boy before continuing, "you seem a little more uptight than usual, everything good?" 

  


"Yes, I mean, kinda." Ash sighed, he always had this strange urge that he had to be honest with Max, at least Ash knew he could be honest with the man. 

  


"What's eating ya, kid?" 

  


"I," Ash let out another sigh before continuing, "I know it's all  _ over _ . That Dino is dead, that Banana Fish is done with, but I just can't shake this feeling that something is going to happen again. And if I'm really going to Japan with Eiji-" 

  


"You're worried you're going to put him in danger, again." Max finished. 

  


"...yeah." Ash admitted. 

  


Max hummed, "I understand, Ash. And I know these past couple of days you've been wrestling with yourself over this, but I can assure you," the man turned to look at the boy in the eye, "this is the best decision you'll ever make." 

  


The certainty in the journalist's eyes made Ash a little hopeful, but that self doubt still crawled through the back of his head. 

  


"How do you know?" His voice sounded weak to his ears, vulnerable. He hated that. 

  


"Ash, Eiji makes you happy. You deserve this happiness, no matter what you say. And you make Eiji happy. In the end, that's all that matters." Max put a hand on Ash's shoulder, "just let yourself be happy. I mean come on, you'll go to Japan with Eiji. Start a new life, move in with him, probably get married, heh, maybe even a kid-" 

  


Ash snorted and smacked Max's hand off. "Shut up, old man. Stop joking about shit like that." 

  


Max blinked at him, and Ash waited for that playful look in his eyes to come, that over the top, obnoxious laughter to spill from his mouth. Nothing came. 

  


"I'm not joking, Ash." Serious. He was serious. Ash's mind grounded to a halt. 

  


" _ What? _ " 

  
  


\---

  
  


"Sorry to drag you back here, Eiji, I know I promised to take you around Chinatown before you leave, but duty calls and all that," Sing gave an apologetic look.

  


"It is alright, Sing." Eiji smiled, waving his hand dismissively, "it is fun just to be with you." 

  


Sing grinned, a happy blush settling on his cheeks. 

  


"Still, I know seeing Yut-Lung isn't a favourite past time of yours," Sing stretched his arms up and behind his head, as he continued to lead Eiji through Chinatown. 

  


Eiji shrugged, "it is alright now. Well, it is the best it can be." 

  


Sing hummed in response. 

  


Truthfully, Eiji was still nervous about visiting the young boy. Sure, they had at least come to equal terms, now a week ago (although Eiji had to physically grasp Ash's arm to stop him from instinctively lunging at Yut-Lung when he first laid eyes on him). Yut-Lung even apologized, well, in a way that was best fitting for him. Gifting Eiji with quite a high sum of money, which Eiji profusely refused. Yet, even though the younger boy had his same haughty attitude, Eiji could see in his eyes he truly felt guilty, and that at least was a step in the right direction. 

  


Stepping into Yut-Lung's lavish office, Sing called out, "Yo, mooncake, where are ya?" 

  


" _ Mooncake _ ?" Eiji giggled. 

  


"Yeah 'Yut' means 'moon' in Cantonese so I thought it would be funny-" 

  


"Well, it's not, Sing," an annoyed voice drawled from behind them. 

  


Eiji turned to see Yut-Lung entering the room, sighing before seating himself on one of the expensive looking sofas. Sing followed suit, and soon after so did Eiji. 

  


"Aw don't be like that,  _ mooncake _ , Eiji thinks it's funny." Sing teased. 

  


Yut-Lung rolled his eyes, and narrowed them at Eiji. Eiji just smiled and shrugged. 

  


"He is not wrong." 

  


Flipping his long ebony hair, Yut-Lung sighed, "whatever," he focused his attention on Sing, "you're early, but I assume you have what I asked you to get?" 

  


Sing shrugged, "I was in the area, and yes, I have them," he pulled out a small envelope from his jacket. 

  


"The flash drive is in there, all the information you asked." 

  


Yut-lung took it from him, "excellent, I'll see what I can do. Should be easy to see who isn't needed, and gain back easy control in those areas." 

  


Sing nodded, and Eiji couldn't help but smile, at least he could appreciate Yut-Lung's effort in helping Sing with keeping Chinatown in check. The younger boy could only do so much. 

  


"Well, if that's all," Yut-lung started before realization seem to dawn on him. "Oh, yes, you're leaving for Japan in a couple days, are you not, Eiji?" 

  


Eiji rolled his eyes. "Oh of course you know." 

  


"Hey, I have no need to snoop around for that information." The boy motioned with his head towards Sing, "he told me anyways." 

  


The gang leader averted his gaze from Eiji's questioning look. "He was just curious." 

  


"It does not bother me that much, I suppose," Eiji glared at Yut-Lung, "unless he chooses to bother  _ us. _ " 

  


"Oh my, Eiji! So scary!" Yut-Lung mocked. "Don't you worry, my dear, I have no interest in you two anymore. Your love story is positively boorish." 

  


"Our -  _ what? _ " Eiji gawked, a blush warming his cheeks. 

  


Yut-Lung blinked, generally confused. Seeming to wait for Eiji to speak. When he didn't, the boy let out a groan.

  


"You're  _ kidding  _ me!" 

  
  


\---

  


" _ This  _ was the talk you wanted to have, old man?" 

  


Max nodded. Face serious, and blue eyes determined. 

  


"Why?" Ash asked, completely befuddled. This was ridiculous, sure he's dealt with Max's teasing on the subject of Eiji and him before.  _ 'That supercomputer brain of yours runs a little slow when it comes to Eiji, eh?'  _ He would tease, and usually an annoyed glare would shut him up. But for some reason the man was especially assertive today with the idea of Ash and Eiji being... _ together _ . 

  


The thought made both his heart speed up in worry and longing. 

  


"Eiji and I are friends," Ash continued, his throat suddenly feeling very dry, "why the hell are you trying to convince yourself otherwise?" 

  


"Kid, I'm not trying to convince myself. I already know what the truth is," Max said. "I'm trying to get  _ you _ to understand its okay to feel the way you feel."

  


Ash stared at him like he suddenly grew two heads. 

  


"Come on, Ash." Max sighed. "You can't fool me. More importantly you can't  _ pretend _ anymore that what you feel isn't there, you need to stop suppressing those feelings." 

  


Ash felt his face heat up, at Max's determined accusations, but the worrying knot in his chest just grew. 

  


"I'm not pretending, Max," Ash snapped, trying to dispel the anxiety crawling up with anger. Because deep down he knew what Max was saying was true, and he hated it. He hated the fact that the man nailed exactly what Ash was trying to accomplish. He hated that he knew those feelings were stirring down there. He hated that he felt a certain type of way for Eiji. He hated himself for it. 

  


"Ash," the journalist said gently, as if he was trying to coax a feral animal, "that boy means  _ everything  _ to you. You would do anything for Eiji, even lay down your life for him, and you continued to protect him and save him again and again-" 

  


"That doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean I-" Ash cut himself off, he didn't want to finish that sentence. He couldn't. 

  


"I wasn't done," Max spoke calmly. "There's so much more to it, Ash. You honestly don't have to tell me how you feel about him, I can see it in your eyes, in everything that you do. How happy and peaceful and content you are by his side." 

  


"...and what?" Ash laughed bleakly, trying to cover up his erratic heart rate. "That means...something?" 

  


"Well," Max shrugged, "I could go on for hours of how many times I've seen you absolutely smitten for Eiji, cause that would be like every time I see you with-" 

  


"Can we not talk about this?" Ash cut in, his voice almost cracking. His mind was screaming to get out of this situation. To leave and not unravel the desires and wantings that Ash had been trying so desperately to ignore. He couldn't  _ do _ that to Eiji, couldn't let him feel that when Eiji was so  _ good _ . 

  


"Ash," Max sighed, "I've been putting this off for a while, I didn't want to agitate you with the subject when all this banana fish shit was going down, but I could see it everyday. I could see  _ you _ struggling with it everyday. I could see you, beating yourself up and not letting yourself be happy." 

  


When Ash didn't interject, instead biting his lip and digging his nails into his thighs, Max continued.

  


"The perfect time is now, because you're finally taking that first step. You're going off to Japan with Eiji, and you're going to begin a new life. But I know you haven't let yourself break free enough to experience the full potential of joy." 

  


"'Full potential of joy?'" Ash scoffed. "And what the fuck is that?" 

  


Max looked him dead in the eyes. Blue swimming with determination and sincerity. 

  


"Letting yourself love Eiji, as much as he loves you." 

  


\---

  


"You know, it really is astounding how stupid you are, Eiji Okumura." 

  


Eiji just stared at Yut-lung in disbelief as he continued to throw insults at him. The younger boy was up from his chair now, pacing back and forth. 

  


"-I mean, honestly, you two have known each other, for what? Two years or so? And you literally spend every second of the day with each other, or at least try too-" 

  


"Wait-" Eiji tried to interject, but the boy just continued with his ramblings.

  


"-and you're telling me the two of you haven't even  _ addressed  _ the fact that you're both so in love with each other that it's sickening-" 

  


"Hold on-" 

  


"-like, my God, you two practically played husband and wife for the duration of your stay here. And it was so domestic, it was gross-" 

  


"I mean-" 

  


"-I just can't believe this. I thought you at least had a brain in there to figure this out, but I guess I was wrong. And Ash? Thought that boy has a 210 IQ? Guess the results were wrong." Yut-lung finished snidely. 

  


"I…" Eiji sighed, trying to sort out the whirlwind of thoughts attacking his mind from all of the accusations (and an excessive amount of insults) Yut-lung hit him with. 

  


"It is…" Eiji swallowed thickly, a blush settling on his cheeks. "It is not like, I did not think of it. Us...together. My feelings on it." 

  


Yut-lung gave him an incredulous look. "Then why do you not act on them? Why are you holding back?" 

  


Eiji gave a sad smile, "I just…" he sighed, "I cannot." 

  


Yut-lung scoffed. "Ridiculous. Why?" 

  


_ Why?  _ There were tons of reasons why Eiji couldn't. And he wrestled with those thoughts day in and day out. How wrong it was for his heart to flutter when Ash laughed, for him to blush whenever Ash pinched his cheek, or ruffled his hair. How wrong it was to feel  _ love _ like that just by the younger boy's very presence. And how even worse it was to fantasize about what the two of them could be without the hell surrounding them. 

  


"It...it is wrong." Eiji said quietly. He didn't know how to explain 'why'. It just was. Given Ash's past, it was wrong for Eiji to feel the way he feels. Pushing it down, ignoring it, and reminding himself that he's already lucky enough just to have Ash by his side as his friend. That's all Ash wanted. And that's all Eiji needed. 

  


"Ash and I are friends, we always will be." Eiji managed a smile, despite his throat tightening. "That is all I could ever ask for." 

  


He hoped that was enough to appease Yut-Lung. That the boy would just drop it, say some snarky, unnecessary comment, and move on. Eiji wouldn't even mind if Yut-Lung went back to hurling insults again. Anything to get away from this topic, Eiji felt guilty enough thinking about it. 

  


Yut-Lung's eyes narrowed, his lips pursed before giving a curt nod. "I see…" A pause. 

  


Maybe that was it. Eiji almost sighed in relief. 

  


"So that's how it is, that's why." Yut-Lung said, an all knowing smirk forming into his lips. 

  


Eiji's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?" 

  


"Simple. You, Eiji Okumura, are just scared." 

  
  


\---

  


"Max, seriously, that's enough. I  _ really _ don't need to hear this." Ash was about ready to start yelling at the man. The frustration and anxiety of his thoughts in absolute turmoil in his mind. 

  


" _ Letting yourself love Eiji, as much as he loves you. _ " 

  


_ As much as he loves you.  _ Those words alone sent a flurry of emotions through the boy's heart. Eiji couldn't... _ love _ him like that. No, not when he was so good, not with Ash being the monster that he was. It was already horrible enough with Ash's feelings with Eiji that he was trying so hard to pretend that they don't exist. And now Max was spouting some utter bullshit of Eiji  _ loving  _ Ash. 

  


"Ash, it's true. Deep down, you know it. The way you've been tip-toeing around your relationship is killing me, kid. You  _ need  _ to hear it." Max explained. 

  


He did.  _ God _ , he did. Worst of all, he knew how much he wanted it. Wanting to be with Eiji that way, wanting to tell him how he felt, wanting to  _ kiss _ those soft lips again- 

  


"No, no," Ash shook his vigorously, panic settling in his chest. "No, I can't do that to him, Max, I can't-" 

  


"You can't? You can't what?  _ Feel _ ? You're human, Ash. So is Eiji. The way you two feel for each other is valid and real." Max said firmly. 

  


"No- I- me  _ wanting _ this. Isn't- I'm going to be just like  _ them _ , I'm going to  _ hurt _ him just like  _ them _ -" Ash felt like he was choking, he couldn't breathe. The thought of it was nauseating. 

  


"Ash,  _ Ash, _ breathe. Listen to me.  _ Look _ at me." Max gripped the boy's shoulders tightly. Waiting for Ash to slow his breathing and finally look up. The journalist met his eyes with an unyielding gaze. 

  


"You are not like them. You will  _ never _ be like them. What those men did to you was disgusting and immoral, and you are neither of those things. I don't give a shit what you say, Ash, it's true. You were hurt, broken, and used. They used you. And I know that you would never use, break, or hurt, Eiji. Am I correct?" 

  


The persistence in the man's eyes took Ash's breath away. His voice was strong, but his eyes wavered in nothing but care and concern. And for a split second Ash wondered if his real dad was like this, he probably wouldn't be the way he was. 

  


Ash could do nothing but nod. 

  


"Good." Max nodded. "I'm going to say it one last time now, son. So stick it to your head. You, Aslan Jade Callenreese  _ deserve  _ love. Eiji loves you. The way he acts, the way he looks at you, his heart for you is on display. And most importantly, Aslan, you are allowed to feel how you feel. You are not wrong, you are not a monster, you are not like them. You are human. And you deserve happiness. Eiji makes you happy. Eiji makes you feel loved, and you love him back just as much." Max finished. 

  


If this was a different situation Ash would have teased him for sounding almost sentimental. That his age was catching up on him. And he would've given him some sort of hell for using his real name. But at that moment he could do nothing but let those tears he was holding back flow down his cheeks. 

  


"...Okay." In a broken voice, was all he could manage. 

  


As Max pulled him in a gentle hug, Ash found himself really wishing the man was really his dad. 

  


He would never tell Max that though. 

  
  


\--- 

  


_ Scared?  _ "I am not-" Eiji started. 

  


"Oh, no you are. It's quite obvious." Yut-Lung placed a hand on his hip, sharp gaze fixed on Eiji's confused look. 

  


"That-" Eiji sighed, frustration settling in. He  _ really _ didn't want to continue talking about this. 

  


"That is not true, that is not the reason why-" 

  


"No, no it is." Yut-Lung interrupted, giving him a pointed look. "It's not that it's 'wrong', yes, you and your idiocy may think that. But that's also just a cover up for the bigger issue, isn't it, Eiji?" 

  


"What do you mean?" Eiji asked slowly. 

  


"You can't lie to me, Eiji. More importantly you can't lie to yourself. You not only think your feelings are wrong given Ash's past. You think it's wrong given Ash's future. You're  _ scared _ , Eiji." 

  


When the boy didn't reply, Yut-Lung shook his head, seeming exasperated. He opened his eyes to glare at Eiji. 

  


" _ You _ are scared, because besides Ash being happy, you want more than anything for him to be free. Free from his past, free to live. Correct?" He didn't wait for Eiji to reply, taking a step forward instead while pointing an accusatory finger towards him. 

  


"You are scared," Yut-Lung continued firmly, "because you think if you let yourself openly feel the way you feel for him, that it means that Ash won't be truly free." Another step forward. "That you will then be no more different than those men who damaged Ash." 

  


_ He's right _ , was the only thing Eiji could think of through the uproar of panic in his mind. Eiji swallowed a sudden lump in his throat. His chest hurt, and his eyes stung. 

  


Anger began to contort Yut-Lung's features as he went on, his voice rising by the second. "You're scared, Eiji, because you think if Ash finds out about your desires that it'll push him back farther into his dark past." 

  


Eiji's eyes were watering, each word slamming into his heart with a nasty blow. He wanted to tell Yut-Lung to just  _ stop _ , but he couldn't. Eiji bit his lip instead, dropping his gaze so he didn't have to look at the other boy's condemning eyes. 

  


"You're scared, Eiji Okurmura, because you think if you tell Ash that you're in love with him, that those words will  _ bind  _ him, and he will never be free!" Yut-Lung yelled. "You are  _ scared  _ because you think you will be even more of a burden in his life then you already think you are! And you  _ hate  _ yourself for it!" 

  


Yut-Lung's voice rang through the room and in Eiji's ears. He could hear his heart pounding, his heavy breathing. He could feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks, as he covered his mouth to conceal a choked sob. 

  


_ He's right, he's right, he's right.  _ Was all Eiji could hear in his mind. 

  


"You know, deep down, that Ash would do  _ anything  _ for you," Yut-Lung spoke again, uncharacteristically soft. It surprised Eiji enough to look up at the other boy. Eiji couldn't exactly read his complicated look, but an almost patient look suddenly filled his eyes. Like Yut-Lung understood Eiji. 

  


"And because you know that," Yut-Lung continued with a sigh, "you think Ash would shoulder all your emotions even if he didn't like it, and even if he didn't love you back. Which is false, by the way." The boy slumped back down in his cushions with a huff. "Disgustingly false." He muttered. 

  


"...You are right." Eiji whispered. 

  


"Well of course I'm right-" 

  


"You are right, and I should have been more truthful with myself." Eiji sniffed, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. "I _am_ scared. For all those reasons. But it was easier to just say the obvious. And now I am taking Ash back to Japan with me, to let him be free from here, so he can be happy. But I am not truly free myself, these feelings have held me back, and I need to be true to Ash in order for both of us to start anew. Because...I _do_ love him. So much." Eiji gave a genuine smile to Yut-Lung. "I guess I should, well, at least tell him how I feel, right?" 

  


The boy rolled his eyes. "That entire spiel was unnecessary and overly sappy, but yes, of course you should tell him. That's what I've been trying to get through that thick skull of yours." 

  


Eiji couldn't help but chuckle, "I will. Thank you, Yut-Lung." 

  


Another roll of the eyes. "Please." He scoffed. Yet Eiji didn't miss the little twitch of a smile that Yut-Lung was trying to hide. 

  


"Well," a slap on the couch suddenly startled the two boys, " _ that  _ was a show." Sing stood up stretched. 

  


"Should've brought popcorn," he yawned. 

  


Eiji blinked. He had forgotten Sing was here. 

  


"As emotional as this all was, at least it was valuable information. Now you know your next course of action when you see Ash later today, Eiji." Sing winked at him and the boy flushed. 

  


"Well, whatever, I'm glad I was once again able to be the common sense of the room." Yut-Lung flipped his long hair, playing with the ends. "You two can leave now, I have work, and talking to Eiji for so long has given me a headache." It was Eiji's turn to roll his eyes at that. 

  


"Never change, Yut-Lung." Eiji deadpanned. Sing laughed. 

  


Yut-Lung waved him off, calling his servants instead and telling them to show the two of them out. 

  


"I suppose this will be the last time I see you, Eiji Okumura." Yut-Lung said as Eiji and Sing were about to walk out the door. "I sincerely hope our paths never cross again. But at the same time," he averted his gaze for a second, and Eiji thought he saw a dust of pink across the boy's porcelain skin. 

  


"I do wish you the best of luck." Yut-Lung cleared his throat. "In everything." 

  


Eiji felt his heart warm. Despite Yut-Lung's entitled attitude, and harsh words, the young boy was indeed trying, and with Sing by his side, he knew he would probably get even better. Well, his scathing insults will most likely remain the same. 

  


"I do too,  _ mooncake _ ," Eiji grinned and Yut-Lung sputtered as Sing let out another boyish laugh. 

  


"Can you  _ shut up _ -" 

  


"I mean it, Yut-Lung," Eiji's gaze softened. "And I hope you find happiness too." 

  


Without waiting for a response, Eiji walked away. He didn't need to see, he just hoped his words stuck with him, as much as Yut-Lung's words did. 

  


Sing told him later that Yut-Lung looked like a blushing teenage girl, anyways. 

  
  



	2. be loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the confession bit as promised lmao, eat up kiddos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this has been sitting in my drafts half done for quite sometime, and honestly I had huge writers block on how to finish this. all I knew is that it had to be the sappiest confession ever because I'm WEAK for these two. also thank you for the kudos on the first chapter and the nice comments! means a lot <3 
> 
> but sorry if anyone of you were waiting on this, here it is now, with all its grammatical errors in all its glory lmao. hope you enjoy!!
> 
> p.s fun drinking game: drink anytime I use italics cause wtf I use italics A LOT

Max's words swirled through Ash's head, adding to the storm of emotions coursing through the boy as he swiftly walked through the crowds of Manhattan. 

The journalist certainly made Ash realize a lot of things today. Well, things he technically already knew deep down but was too afraid to admit it. Despite this, a heavyweight still clung to Ash's chest. 

_ "So you're going to confess to him now, right?" Max said as Ash was getting up from the park bench to leave.  _

_ "Huh? No, why would I do that?"  _

_ Max gave the boy a pointed look. "Ash, come on. The best time is now. Going to Japan with him is going to be a whole other adventure. You need to end this one by telling him."  _

_ "And what if he doesn't...feel the same way-"  _

_ Another look cut him off, and Ash sighed in frustration. Before casting his eyes on the ground, a rare blush gracing his cheeks.  _

_ "How...how do I tell him?"  _

_ Max smiled. Warm and sincere. _

_ "The way you told me."  _

_ Ash raised an eyebrow. "I tell him by having a mental breakdown?"  _

_ "No, idiot. Be real. Don't hide behind some mask. Just be yourself."  _

  
  


_ Just be yourself. _ Ash scoffed. As if that helps. 

He supposed he was already himself around Eiji. He never had to hide or fake anything around the older boy. It was refreshing. Eiji just made him feel so comfortable. 

It was one of the many things that Ash adored about Eiji. 

Ash flushed. Telling Eiji how he feels shouldn't be so damn hard. It's so easy, to be honest around Eiji (except for the times he's lying to protect the boy), but this. This was unnecessarily nerve-wracking. The thought of confessing made his palms sweaty, and his heart thump erratically. 

The American thoughts drifted for a moment and he wondered if he ever felt like this with the girl he thought he loved years ago. 

He didn't. It was nothing compared to this. These feelings (especially ever since he just came to terms with them) swirled up and around, consuming him with flames that warmed his heart and soul with such affection he thought he might burst. And it was all thanks to a naive, wide-eyed, Japanese boy. 

It was beautiful and terrifying all at once. 

Ash finally came to a stop at his destination. The large apartment that the two had lived in almost over the course of two years. They came back to it for a comfortable place to stay before leaving for Japan. The place was technically sold, and a lot of items and furniture that were once in the living space were already gone, but they luckily had the apartment for a couple more days. Perfect amount of time to sort everything through and tie up every loose end, so there was nothing to worry about.

Well, scratch that, cause now there  _ are _ things to worry about. Namely, Ash freaking out over confessing his feelings like a teenager in some rom-com. 

When the American opened the door of the shared apartment, he didn't expect to see the cause of his worry sitting on the couch flipping through some papers. 

"Ah, Ash!" Eiji smiled, placing the papers down on the coffee table and standing up to greet the younger boy. 

"Welcome back, Ibe-san came over to give some final paperwork for you and your passport, I was just looking through it." 

Ash nodded. His throat was suddenly feeling very dry.  _ Shit,  _ what was with him? Eiji at the apartment greeting him was pretty much an everyday occurrence, and it actually filled Ash with happiness coming back to Eiji's bright attitude after a long day. 

But apparently, because Ash had  _ some _ sort of shaky plan to confess, Eiji's sweet actions made him nervous. 

"Didn't think you would be back so soon," Ash managed to comment nonchalantly, sitting down on the couch. Eiji followed suit, plopping down next to him. 

"Yes, well, Sing had things he needed to get done, and I did not want to bother him," Eiji replied. 

Ash nodded again. Man, this was actually getting ridiculous. His chest felt tight, and he let out a sharp exhale before turning his body to face the boy. 

_ Just. Tell. Him.  _ He willed himself. 

Before he could even say anything or  _ try  _ to say anything he realized how tense Eiji's posture was, and his avoidance of looking Ash in the eyes. 

"Everything okay?" Ash asked. Worry started to knot in his chest. 

"Yeah, I just-" Eiji shook his head. "Nervous." 

"About?" 

"I...I need to tell you something, but I am afraid of how you will react." 

Fearful thoughts ran through Ash's head.  _ Was he hurt, did Ash hurt him, did he say something, do something- _

"Just tell me, Eiji." Ash said in the most gentle tone he could manage. "I won't get mad, I promise." 

Eiji fidgeted, playing with the hem of his sleeves.

"I- Well-" He sighed, "I was not going to tell you now, but I feel like I should before we go to Japan." 

Ash audibly gulped. "Okay…? And that is?" 

"Um, I-" Eiji let out a long exhale, and Ash's anxiety just grew. 

Before he could further press the boy, although he was afraid if he did he would make the boy uncomfortable and upset, Eiji took the blond's hand gently. 

Ash looked at him, trying to calm his heart. His hands were warm, soft, welcoming. 

Eiji still refused to meet his eyes. When he spoke his voice was soft but a little hoarse. 

"I- I really want you to know...how I see you. You see yourself as a monster, someone who's tainted, someone who doesn't deserve love."

"But you are so,  _ so,  _ wrong, Ash," the boy continued. "You  _ do _ deserve love. Especially you. You have been robbed of happiness and love again and again, and because of this you are hurt, and yet you still put yourself down." 

Ash felt tears start to well up in his eyes, as this boy, this sweet, extraordinary boy continued with such a soft, loving tone. 

"And I want you to know that nothing has changed with me. I am not scared of you, I will never ever be scared of you." Eiji looked up at Ash then, wide-eyed and determined. 

"I meant what I said back then. Forever. I...I want to stay by your side forever, because you are  _ you _ Ash, and because you make me  _ so _ happy." The older boy with the sweetest smile, and softest eyes, then uttered, "And because I love you, Aslan." 

The words collided over Ash like a tidal wave, and he couldn't stop the tears from falling freely down his face, nor could he stop himself from falling into the older boy's open arms. 

Eiji encircled his frame delicately, rubbing his hand gently on Ash's back in a soothing matter. 

"Oh, Ash," Eiji breathed as the younger boy melted into the embrace. "I...I am sorry, I did not mean to make you cry-" 

"No, you  _ idiot. _ " Ash pulled back and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He reached slowly to cup Eiji's cheek with a slightly shaky hand, and his heart soared when the other boy leaned into it. 

"What you said made me happy," Ash laughed then, he couldn't help himself, this bubbling of joy. " _ You _ make me so fucking happy." 

"And you told me you  _ loved _ me," Ash brought their foreheads together, his heart bursting at how easily he could do that. 

"Something my cowardly ass has been trying to do the minute I stepped through this door," he chuckled breathlessly. 

"You-  _ what  _ ?" Eiji gawked, pulling back slightly. "You were trying to tell me-" he shook his head, "you love me?" 

Ash blushed, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, no shit. Max told me today I was apparently so obvious and I guess I see it now. Gave me this huge ass lecture about confessing to you." 

Eiji threw back his head and laughed (his laugh is really cute, Ash decided then) " _ Really?"  _ He squeaked out.  "Yut-Lung gave me the same type of lecture today as well!" He giggled. 

It was Ash's turn to look shocked. "Wait what the fuck?  _ Yut-Lung _ did? You saw him today?" 

"Yeah. Sing had to stop by his place - he did not do anything, do not worry," Eiji reassured, "but he did do a great deal of insulting…" he muttered. 

"Yet he made me realize," Eiji continued, coming a little closer to Ash again, slowly wrapping his arms around the younger boy's neck. A loose grip, and gentle. Always gentle. Giving Ash the option to move away if he wanted too. 

He didn't. He didn't want to. In fact, he wanted to be closer, so in response, he pulled Eiji in by the waist, so he was almost lounging on Ash's lap. 

Eiji flushed. Ash thought he looked beautiful. 

"He made me realize how much I love you." Eiji whispered into the space between them. 

Overcome once again, Ash swallowed the lump forming in his throat. 

"Y-yeah me too. I mean, Max made me realize that too. That I-" Ash swallowed again, the words seem to stick in his throat. He cleared his throat, tried again, but nothing came out. 

Eiji smiled, bringing his hand down to cup Ash's cheek, his thumb caressing his cheekbone. 

"I know, Ash." He breathed. Ash sighed in frustration, and Eiji leaned in to press a chaste kiss on the furrow of the American's brows. Ash felt a bolt of shock shoot through him, but it was quickly replaced by warmth, affection. The action was so simple but so  _ gentle _ . It left Ash's heart soaring.

The older boy pulled back suddenly as if burned. "Oh! Sorry-I should have asked-" 

" _ Eiji _ ," Ash whispered. He didn't even recognize his voice for a second. He never spoke so softly, voice laced with fondness, but he felt so happy. Who knew a kiss on the forehead could turn him into such a lovesick puppy? But that was it because it was Eiji. 

He chuckled, and pulled Eiji in again, cupping his warm cheeks gently. The older boy was blushing profusely.  _ So cute _ , was all Ash could think. 

"It's okay, you don't need to apologize." Ash breathed. 

"But - are you sure? It's just -" 

"I'm sure," he let one hand slip down and grab the boy's hand, lacing their fingers together.  "I'm sure," he repeated, and Eiji smiled. And Ash suddenly really wanted to kiss him. 

He then didn't realize he had leaned forward more, head tilting, watching in delight as Eiji's eyes dropped to his lips quickly before looking back up to meet Ash's gaze. 

"Do you mind if -" Eiji whispered, "I mean, can I  ki-" 

" _ Please _ ," is all Ash could say and Eiji smiled, that breathtaking smile, before closing the gap between them. 

It was only for a second, maybe two. Chaste and quick, but Ash felt like he was soaring. His lips were soft, warm and gentle and he kissed him with barely any pressure, but it left Ash breathless when he pulled away. 

Eiji was blushing, a pretty shade of pink dusting his cheeks. His eyes were wide and bright. So bright that Ash swore he could see them twinkling. He was so stunning at that moment that the American didn't know if it was Eiji or an angel so close to him and it knocked the air out of him so he can only manage to say, 

" _ God _ , you are so  _ beautiful _ ." 

Eiji giggled. " _ I'm  _ beautiful? Have you seen yourself?" And fuck, he was going to be the death of Ash. 

"Flirt," was all Ash could say before catching those soft lips again. 

This kiss was different, slow and sensual. And Ash took the lead, moving his lips gently against the other boy's. His hands dropped to his waist, and Eiji let out a pretty little sigh in content, as he looped his arms around Ash's neck. The boy's heart stuttered, and he dragged his tongue across Eiji's lips and it slightly opened. Ash couldn't help the low noise in the back of this throat when the older boy ran his tongue against his, and Ash pulled him impossibly closer. 

_ This _ . Ash didn't realize how badly he wanted this. Didn't realize just how much he was holding back. Didn't realize how wrong he was for thinking this would hurt Eiji when Eiji wanted this just as bad. He felt nothing then but  _ joy _ . Because  _ this _ . He could have this. After everything, all the pain, all the suffering, he could have this. 

And Ash wished, he wished he could tell Eiji this. He wished he could tell him how much he loved him, again and again, all day and night, but the words always got stuck in his throat. So all he could do is show him. Show him how utterly  _ in love  _ he was. 

Yet, Ash still yearned to say it - just once, just once today. And it wasn't until Eiji pulled away, to whisper those three words against his lips that that dam inside Ash broke. Just like the rushing tide, the words flowed out. 

" _ I love you _ . God,  _ Eiji,  _ I love you _.  _ I love you _.  _ I love  _ you. _ " He said it again and again and kissed him each time he said it. It came wave after wave, this happiness, this love he never knew he could experience, and it was all because of this one extraordinary boy that meant  _ everything  _ to Ash. 

Ash didn't realize he was crying until Eiji pulled away and began to wipe his tears. His own tears pooling in those pretty eyes, as he gave Ash that gentle smile. 

" _ Forever _ . Forever, Ash, I mean it." 

Usually, the younger boy would make a jab at how sappy they were both being and that it was pretty cringy. 

But he couldn't, not when this boy was gazing at him like he was the entire world. Not when Ash felt so happy he was going to burst. Not when Ash felt so much love for the first time in his entire life. 

So all he did was smile, pull him in, and whisper back that same word. 

_ "Forever _ ." 

Eiji grinned and kissed him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah it got super emotional because ya girl was feeling emotional cause she may have re read GoL that night :)))))) 
> 
> hope you enjoyed tho! ill be back contaminating this fandom again soon because I'm S O F T and can never be the same for I simp over this relationship 
> 
> any kudos or comments are much appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it to the end WOW 
> 
> but honestly writing yut-lung being a love expert while still being bitchy is not only lowkey iconic, but was really fun to write. i honestly hope i did the characters justice, i remember being sleep deprived while writing half of this fic. if you have any feedback tho lemme know in the comments, otherwise a kudos is appreciated if u liked it lol 
> 
> dw if y'all care at all the second chapter will have a confession i aint leaving y'all like that lmao


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